It's Not a Race

There's no adulthood deadline

Around here, there’s a lot of pressure on young people to attend a college that looks good on a back window decal, join the best greek clubs, maintain a good GPA, score the best summer internships, do a semester abroad, finish in four years, and then go onto the other rites of adulthood — employment, apartment, marriage. Don’t get me wrong, all that is FABULOUS. Many of my favorite young people have hit those milestones effortlessly and are super happy. Others, not so much.

While it might feel like there is only one path to a fabulous life, that’s actually not the case. Most people need a little more time to check off items from the adulthood checklist; others find entirely different routes towards adulthood. There’s no one right way to do get there, and there are no deadlines. After all, it’s not a race to adulthood.

Actually, the vast majority of American young people don’t come close to hitting those milestones. In 2020, only 40 percent of 18-24 year olds were enrolled in a two or four-year college. Post-COVID, the rate of college attendance dropped by 5 or 8 percent, depending on who you ask. Of those that begin college, only 33.3 percent graduate in four years. The six-year graduate rate is 57.6 percent. 52 percent of young adults still live with their parents.

Are they all miserable? I don’t know. Probably not. They’re just doing things their own way.

While the stats for typical people don’t fit the ideal model, the statistics for adults with disabilities are downright gruesome. According to a recent article in Politico, only about one-third of adults on the autism spectrum work in paid jobs for more than 15 hours a week. Only 19 percent of adults with autism live independently. Only 5 percent of adults with autism are married.

But again, those numbers don’t tell you anything about the happiness of the people, and whether they eventually get to those endpoints. That’s why with Ian, we aren’t setting him up for failure with unrealistic goals. His goals are to eventually find work, housing, and a partner. We’re slowing down that adulthood time schedule to one that works for him (and us).

While Ian is doing very well at his college classes, Ian needs to improve his autistic issues before attending college full-time. For the next two years, he’ll concentrate on developing his social skills and managing his OCD during the day at a specialized school about an hour from here. In the evenings, he can continue to take his college classes. He could finish both this transition program and his AA degree in two years, and then go to the technical four-year college after that. Hopefully, he finish off his training by his mid-20s - five or six years behind others in our community.

I hope that he’ll qualify for specialized housing for people with high functioning autism — something with very minimal support, but with organized social events in the evenings and weekends. Right now, there’s a ten to twenty year waiting list for that type of housing, so he’ll be here with us for a long time.

And that’s okay. His typical older brother will be here for a while, too, because the median rent in Manhattan is now $5,000. Maybe Steve and I will move out and leave the house to the boys. (We’ve seriously discussed this option.)

In the meantime, Ian is making all kind of other achievements. Yesterday, I stumbled across his YouTube page, where he showcases his remixes of video game music. Ian digitizes vintage game music, and then remasters the songs in a midi program, changing up the instruments and cleaning up slopping recordings. Some of videos have 40,000 views and a thousand comments. (He doesn’t want me to share that info here, so no link.) He got a 96 on his last college quiz. He managed to sit through an entire dinner with extended family without putting in his earbuds. He does his own laundry and orders dinner for himself when we’re out. He’s going to take his written driver’s test soon.

Ian’s checklist of achievements might be different from others, and that’s OKAY. I couldn’t be more proud of him.

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LINKS

We’ll be in Montreal next week, so no newsletters or blog posts.

On the blog, I talked about Jonah’s job hunt and why drinking wine while bidding on auctions is a bad idea.

Impatient for workers, businesses help students take college shortcut: Employers and states are adding faster-paced skills training for people who want to forgo college.

Students will be struggling with learning lag from the pandemic for a very long time.

Tons of push back against the New York Times article about parents during the pandemic:

Jennifer Sey @JenniferSey

Wow. The replies. I’ve not witnessed a ratio quite this intense to date. It was earned, I must say.

Sheera Frenkel @sheeraf

I interviewed 27 parents across the US who adopted anti-vaccine positions during the pandemic, and heard strikingly similar stories of feeling left behind by the government and finding their way to online rabbit holes. https://t.co/SMOy7VMBq3