Hindsight is 20/20
What I Did Right
With my new day job, I spend a lot of time talking to new parents about Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA). Once parents get an autism diagnosis, their insurance will cover ABA therapy. My job is to explain to them what ABA is, why it will benefit them, and which ABA companies take their insurance. Research shows that ABA can make a difference in autism outcomes, so we want parents to do this.
But we never did it. Ian never had ABA in our home. He had some ABA at his elementary school, but he never had forty hours of therapy started at age two in our home like other families today. Twenty years ago, fewer families had that level of ABA support, especially kids like Ian, who didn’t have an autism label until age five.
We knew Ian had serious issues. He had trouble talking. He was sensitive. He could read before he could talk in full sentences. Even without a formal diagnosis, we knew he needed help, so we kinda gerry-rigged our own kind of DIY therapy.
We talked all the time. I babbled nonstop for a year. I talked in the car at red lights, while making dinner, and on the swing sets.
We took him everywhere. Our motto was “nobody leaves Baby in the corner.” He came with me to the supermarket, my parents’ house, and the mall. We brought him to crowded parties and took turns with him outside the house. No matter how difficult he was being, no matter how much he annoyed other people, he was there.
We treated him like he didn’t have a disability. And we didn’t let other people treat him differently either.
I kept him busy after school, every weekend, and summer with whatever activities I could find for him. Sometimes I spent six hours a day in the car going back and forth to different activities.
We spent a lot of time walking around outside.
At age 23, Ian is doing very well. He’s in college full-time. He turned in his last computer project a week early and earned a 110%. He’s doing less well in his history class, but keeps improving. Steve’s on his way up to Vermont to pick him up for the Thanksgiving week; I’m thrilled that he’ll be home soon.
Reflections on DIY v. ABA
Would Ian be doing even better if he had gotten ABA? Would he have a degree from MIT and a job making rockets with Elon? Would he have a girlfriend and an apartment? It’s hard to say.
My home-grown efforts had some things in common with ABA, like interactions and play. But I also think what we did was better, too. We got him out of the house, interacting with the world and the community. We took him on walks and smelled the fresh air. We loved him.
ABA isn’t the only way to help kids with autism. It isn’t a magic pill. It can be one tool in the parent toolbox, but therapists can’t replace parents. Even tired, overwhelmed, multi-tasking parents should always be steering the boat.
Grace
I think it’s common for all parents of children in their twenties — neurotypical or not — to reflect on those early parent years. We wonder if we could have done a better job. Maybe we should have found time for an extra game of catch. Maybe we should have hired a reading tutor earlier on. With that extra level of help, maybe our twenty-somethings would be doing even better.
Two things are equally true: One, our kids are damn-near perfect. Two, we did the best that we could.
The early parenting years are often combined with a whole lot of other stresses that have nothing to do with our kids. For us, they were a time filled with financial stress and career transitions. We were trying to parent, while managing all those other fires.
Last weekend, we visited Steve’s folks in Cleveland. In the guest room, there was an old picture of us when the boys were little. My face and body were twenty years younger and twenty pounds lighter. Steve looked like a teenager.
But both of us also looked stressed and tired. I was bending over, restraining a two-year-old Ian until his grandmother could take the picture. That photograph might have been taken on the trip to North Carolina, where both Ian and I ended up with strep throat and ear infections.
So, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for not being superhumans who managed everything perfectly. We did the best that we could. In the end, our kids turned out to be flawed and wonderful human beings, just like us.
Explanations
Hi y’all — Thanks for the patience while I adjust to a new job, while trying to maintain everything about my old life. I’m slowly figuring out new rhythms.
I’ll be adding new content to The Autism-College Connection newsletter and website.